I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
There r osticjed everywhere
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How does one acquire holy water?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
