Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
