Already got asked if we're dating
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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