drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
