only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
