There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
