I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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