I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
