ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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