Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
