you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
