Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
