During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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