i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
