I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
