Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
