please come you make the beer taste better
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
