he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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