I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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