Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
