I think i peed on brittanys purse
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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