life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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