It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
