Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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