Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
