It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
