I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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