Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
