Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
