Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
