and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He passed out mid-signature
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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