my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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