I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
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