You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
