THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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