you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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