Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
