At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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