I wanna bring you to show and tell
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
