party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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