Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
