paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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