I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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