I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
