Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
