I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
