yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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