o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize