On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
