I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
