hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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