Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
