I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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