Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
